TORONTO – The former Republican candidate for the American presidential election, Mitt Romney, made a surprise announcement and revealed that he was entering the Ontario Liberal leadership race. Members of the media were caught off-guard, as only two hours of advance notice was given for the hastily convened press conference at Toronto’s Royal York hotel.
“Today, I am announcing my candidacy for the Ontario Liberal leadership race,” began Romney. “After much discussion with Ann [Romney] and my campaign team, we decided that this was the right move for us.”
“After the first debate in the American presidential race, we generated remarkable momentum and the polls continually moved in our direction right until the very end. Unfortunately, we just ran out of time due to Hurricane Sandy. We can’t let this stop us…we need to move on.”
“There are several reasons why we came to this decision. One, I have been campaigning since 2005 and my donors have invested billions of dollars in marketing and advertising. There is just no way I can stop now with no return on investment. Second, because the Liberals are the governing party, if I win the leadership race, I instantly become President of Ontario without having to go through another election! Finally, I was made aware that I have the ability to ‘prorogue’ the provincial Congress and send them packing at my convenience….I love it!”
Top Romney campaign strategist Stu Stevens was in attendance at the press conference.
“The level of cynicism in Ontario provincial politics is very similar to the high levels seen in America,” Stevens explained. “That makes it easy for Romney to make the transfer over. More importantly, with Ontario’s socialized health care, there is absolutely no need or us to defend or downplay the introduction of Romneycare in Massachusetts.”
Opposition party reaction to the news was swift.
“I’m not worried at all,” quipped Tim Hudak, leader of the PC party. He went on to attach Romney’s conservative credentials. “He’s just another, run-of-the-mill ‘moderate’ candidate that has no convictions or principles. He flip-flops more than a fish out of water. Just another incarnation of McGuinty.”
NDP leader Andrea Horwath was livid. “This guy is a member of the 0.0000001%….he has no idea how ordinary Ontarians live and what problems we face. I don’t even know how he was let into this country: he’s anti-poor, anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-contraceptive, anti-gay, anti-minority, anti-everything. I have news for him; the 47% is a full 100% in Ontario.”