WINDSOR – Last year, Windsor residents began to complain about rumbling, rattlings, and vibrations in the city. Now, with the recent revelation by highly-esteemed journalist Stephen Colbert that Windsor is the rectum of the Earth, answers are quickly starting to come together. The tremors shaking area residents are now thought to be due to large volumes of methane gas passing through the city.
“Of course, it all makes sense now,” explained Dr. Jonathan Hua, top proctologist at Windsor Regional Hospital. “The vibrations we have been feeling are in fact reverberations from intestinal gas finally pushing through the rectal area, which is where we live. The reason was literally under our noses the whole time, but it only finally clicked after Colbert’s revelation.”
As was previously reported by the Toronto Star, the worst of the shakings tend to occur between 1am and 3am. Hua stated that this was due to the behaviour of upstream communities. “If you think about it, we have a massive population base in Toronto that is just upstream of us in the gastrointestinal tract. What’s going on there in the evenings? You have a deadly mix of conditions that include: ethnics eating spicy food, foodies trying out experimental ingredients, partiers pounding back shots of Jack Daniels, hockey fans swilling cheap beer, Bay Streeters sniffing cocaine, and even meth users in Whitby since there’s nothing else to do there. Now imagine all that stuff in your stomach….it’s no wonder the earth is shaking in Windsor a few hours later into the night.”
Despise the alarming discovery, Windsor mayor Eddie Francis was not worried when asked whether he felt Windsor tourism would be affected. “The vast majority of our tourists consist of Michigan residents that cross over to enjoy our casinos, lower drinking age limit, and unregulated strip clubs. Some farting isn’t going to get in the way of them taking advantage of the benefits we offer. In fact, if Windsor is the rectum, then that means Detroit is the anus….so all the gas is actually coming out in their city and they are suffering the noxious effects of that. I mean, I think Detroit should seriously consider the root cause of their massive population loss over the past decade.”