Health Officials: Pandemic Imminent As ‘The Black Friday’ Makes Further Inroads into Canada

The Black Friday

The Black Friday

OTTAWA – Health officials are sounding alarm bells about the further spread into Canada of a deadly disease known as ‘The Black Friday’.  The Black Friday, also known as ‘Debt Plague’, is a disease that killed millions during the Middle Ages in Europe, resurfaced in the United States during the 1960s, and has grown in intensity ever since.

While Canada has been largely immune to this disease over the majority of this time, this has begun to rapidly change in the past few years.  The affliction has now been reported in all major cities, and has migrated to smaller municipalities as well.

The RCMP has taken the unprecedented step of issuing an advisory that warns Canadians to avoid Walmart stores, as they are known to be hotbeds of the plague.

“Canadians should seriously consider avoiding Walmart at all costs,” stated Sgt. Jonathan Xu, an RCMP spokesperson. “The Black Friday is very prevalent at Walmart, and the particular strains of the virus there are more severe due to the large volume of shoppers in close quarters. In previous years, we’ve all heard the reports from the United States of fatalities, injuries, and financial hardships at Walmart due to the Black Friday.”

“I’d be lying if I said we weren’t worried,” said Dr. Jane Reynolds, the chief microbiologist at Health Canada. “It used to be that the only way you could contract the Black Friday was by cross-border shopping. It was never really able to set up a base within Canada until very recently. Although we haven’t formally declared so, we believe a pandemic is a very real possibility in the near future.”

Nationalists and isolationists have been pushing globalization as the reason for the Black Friday threat. Dean Crosby, a member of the Council of Canadians, elaborated on their latest cause.  “This is clearly due to Canada’s open borders, and the Americanization of our domestic cultural and retail values.  While we are perturbed of the threat of a possible pandemic in Canada, we are very excited about having a reason that Canadians actually care about as a “raison d’être” for our policies.”

The Prime Minister did not answer reporters when queried about government policy acting as a catalyst for the outbreak, but his office did release a statement saying that “the Prime Minister has full confidence that the policies and strategies put in place in regards to the North American Security Perimeter would be sufficient in dealing with this problem.”

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