TORONTO – After decades of anguish suffered by residents of Ontario’s largest city, Toronto has finally received the highest civic honour in the world: world-class status. Yesterday, the United Nations officially designated Toronto as a World-Class City, joining the ranks of New York, London, Paris, and Tokyo.
The UN outlined numerous factors for deciding to finally allow Toronto into its elite rank of cities.
“There are definitely a few reasons why we decided to award this honour to Toronto now,” said Ban Ki-sun, a UN spokesperson. “Firstly, Toronto has a huge network of roads, and they seem like they’re jam-packed ALL the time. When we were scouting out the city, we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Highway 401 at midnight for God’s sake!! When you have this kind of crazy traffic congestion, it can only mean that the city has a huge population that remains fiercely loyal to it because it’s so great.”
“What also struck us is the massive amount of condo towers going up in the city. There’s something like 173 towers going up! This is demonstrating vision to us. This is Toronto saying, ‘We want to be Manhattan.’ It doesn’t matter if there aren’t actually enough people to buy all those condo units and that construction of these towers causes a catastrophic real estate sales collapse. What matters is that Toronto knows the city that it aspires to be.”
“I have to admit that we were also pretty stoked a few years ago when Elton John got married to Toronto’s David Furnish. It’s almost as if London itself were extending its hand out to Toronto, inviting the city to join it in the elite ranks.”
Ki-sun stated that Toronto would have been designated a world-class city sooner were it not for the election of Rob Ford as mayor of Toronto.
“We had considered this a couple of years, but the mayoralty of Rob Ford presented an intractable dilemma for us. How could Toronto possibly be considered a world-class city with this buffoon in charge? Watching each Rob Ford ‘incident’ on the news was like watching old clips of a Chris Farley movie from the 90s. It just wouldn’t fly. However, with Rob Ford being kicked out as mayor over the conflict-of-interest charge, we felt that Toronto recognized the last step that they had to take in order to climb up the ladder, so-to-speak. With that, we decided to welcome Toronto to the inner circle.”