WASHINGTON – Millions are thought to have perished in the United States after tumbling over Fiscal Cliff as the clock struck midnight on New Years Eve. First responders have been working on the ground at the bottom of the cliff throughout the night, and report a scene of mass death and devastation.
The unprecedented disaster was not unexpected; the White House and Senate leaders had been scrambling late into the evening cobbling together a way to eliminate Fiscal Cliff, but were unable to come to an agreement in time before leaving Capitol Hill to attend their New Years Eve parties. Democrats had wanted to allocate infrastructure stimulus money to eliminate the cliff by building a sloped ramp, but Republicans, citing the high U.S. debt load, stated that there was not enough money for this approach, and were instead pushing for a military solution that involved dropping a nuclear bomb on the cliff.
“Spend, spend, spend,” shouted Eric Cantor (R-Va), the Republican House Majority Leader. “That’s consistently the approach that the Democrats want to take, and it was about time that we draw a hard line. All these people dying are martyrs for our cause, because that is what it’s going to take for the Dems to realize that people have had enough and are willing to die for their beliefs.”
“Bomb, bomb, bomb,” shouted Harry Reid (D-Nv), the Democratic Senate Majority Leader. “That’s consistently the approach that the Republicans want to take, and it was about time that we draw a hard line. All these people dying are martyrs for our cause, because that is what it’s going to take for the GOP to realize that people have had enough and are willing to die for their beliefs.”
Economists are worried that the deaths of millions of Americans due to Fiscal Cliff could send the economy back into recession.
“The politicians in Washington should have solved this issue months ago,” said Alan Greenspan, a noted American economist and former chairman of the Federal Reserve. “The loss of millions of American citizens could wreak havoc on the economy. Tanking corporate profits would decimate the portfolios of shareholders and investors…something very bad for our country that we could definitely not afford to chance.”