OTTAWA – In a stunning press release issued late Friday evening from the Prime Minister’s Office, Canadians were informed this evening that, effective midnight, Canada would be transformed from a constitutional monarchy to a real monarchy, with Prime Minister Stephen Harper assuming the new role of King.
Legal experts were blindsided as the press release referred to Article 54962.196 of Bill C-45, the notorious and massive omnibus legislation that was recently passed by the Conservative majority in Parliament. Bill C-45 contained numerous legislative changes across many federal Acts, resulting in confusion as opposition MPs had attempted to sift through the bill in order to determine what changes existed.
“We totally missed this one,” said Shad Bilson, a federal legal analyst who reports to Parliamentary committees. “The omnibus bill contained thousands of pages and tens of thousands of different clauses and we really did not have time to critically examine every single one before the bill was rushed through Parliament for approval. We poured through the sections of the bill that we thought contained the most disruptive changes, but Article 54962.196 was on page 8743 and listed under the Miscellaneous section. Everybody must have just skimmed passed it. There’s nothing we can do now because Bill C-45 has already passed, and there’s not enough time to get this in front of the Supreme Court for an emergency session before midnight…this is absolutely terrible. Once the monarchy goes into effect, the Supreme Court no longer exists and Harper has the ability to rule with an iron fist.”
Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird issued a statement explaining the move. “The focus here should be on the NDP and the Liberals. For years now, they’ve had the gall and audacity to oppose our legislation in Parliament with their ‘No’ votes. Their presence in Parliament has thwarted our efforts at improved speed and efficiency of passing legislation. Why do the NDP and Liberals hate Canada? This weekend ushers in a new era where we are better equipped to save the country from the Opposition. We’ll be even more British than the British!”
While the benefits of disposing of any opposition parties was evident to most political analysts, Canadian Senator Hugh Segal explained that there were deeper reasons for Harper to consolidate all power to himself.
“Let me first say that Stephen Harper has been the best prime minister at centralizing power into the Prime Minister’s Office, and commanding loyalty from his caucus,” said Segal. “It’s quite amazing that he’s been able to hold together his Cabinet and MPs on a tight leash for so many years. However, with a majority government, he’s started to have some problems that he didn’t have before. Some Conservative MPs have become emboldened and have started voicing their own opinions to constituents, which was totally unacceptable. In these cases, Harper’s been fairly successful at having them issue retractions but some damage has already been done. Even worse though, he has a slew of amateur, bumbling Cabinet ministers who are constantly saying stupid things or involved in corrupt, illegal activities. Harper’s had to swallow his pride and back up each one of these fools in order to keep the ship running tight.”
“Once he becomes King though, he won’t have to worry about any of them anymore, as he will be the sole decision maker. The ministers will have to find other things to do….although I do think that Dean Del Mastro or Julian Fantino would make a great jester based on their track records.”
An official ceremony is expected tomorrow at the Governor General’s residence, where the Governor General is expected to transfer the power of monarchy to Stephen Harper and declare him the King of Canada.