OTTAWA – With reporters pressing for answers in response to the negative results from the completed federal audit of Attawapiskat finances, Chief Theresa Spence finally emerged from her teepee on Victoria Island in Ottawa today and delivered a bombshell: $20 million of untracked money was used to invest in downtown Toronto condominium units in the past year.
“I’m tired of this bogus distraction and the malicious and speculative misinformation that is being peddled through various media outlets due to this financial audit,” stated Spence to reporters. “The money was not lost nor wasted; this money has been invested for the benefit of Attawapiskat residents. Over the past six years, we had saved about $20 million in cash that we stored locked away in a safe on the reserve, as we did not trust the settler banks with our money. Last year, we had decided that we should invest this money in some manner to benefit our residents going forward, but we did not want to invest in settler corporations or financial institutions.”
“After doing some research and talking to some Toronto realtors, we decided to make a strategic investment by using the cash to purchase 45 condominium units in downtown Toronto. This was a no-brainer for us, as there has been a stratospheric rise in real estate prices over the past decade. The great thing is that we do not even need to spend money on a property management firm to rent out the units; we anticipate the properties to rise in value 10% annually in perpetuity, which is much higher than our rock-bottom 3% mortgage interest rate.”
“So, the bottom line is that, no, the money was not wasted or pilfered away. It has been wisely invested for the benefit of Attawapiskat; these investments will fund our infrastructure development, schools, and raise our standard of living. In fact, the Canadian taxpayers that should thank me, as I’m making more money out of money. I don’t care about these audit shenanigans; history will look kindly upon me as my reserve and my people flourish.”
After her statement, Spence retreated back into her teepee and reporters were escorted off the island by Spence’s entourage.