Rob Ford Announces Maple Leafs as Stanley Cup Champions After Blackhawks Sink Bruins

TORONTO – Within minutes of the Boston Bruins series victory over the Chicago Blackhawks in the NHL’s Stanley Cup Finals, Toronto mayor Rob Ford issued a press release declaring the Toronto Maple Leafs as the 2013 Stanley Cup Champions:

“As the final buzzer sounds on the 2013 NHL post-season, I excitedly offer my heartfelt congratulations to this year’s rightful Stanley Cup Champions, our very own Toronto Maple Leafs.

We all remember the scam and travesty that was afflicted upon us during the first round.  We were up by two goals with mere seconds to play in Game 7 against the Boston Bruins, and the game and series were then stolen from us.  Quite simply, teams do not lose games carrying three goal lead into the last 10 minutes of play, or a two goal lead into the last 90 seconds of play.  Of this, we can be sure.

After that Game 7, I had launched an appeal with the NHL to have the outcome of that game overturned, but since then I have not heard from Mr. Bettman or Mr. Daly of the NHL.

With the Blackhawks victory over the Bruins in the Stanley Cup series, simple transitive theory proves that the Maple Leafs should be Stanley Cup champions, since we actually beat the Bruins and should have been playing the Blackhawks in the final.  This is fact; ask any mathematician.  In addition, this is obvious, common sense!  Only somebody on crack would think that the Leafs couldn’t have beat the ‘Hawks.

With no response to our previous appeal by the NHL, I have unilaterally declared the Toronto Maple Leafs as Stanley Cup Champions. I can do this because we have by far the richest team in the NHL and the team with the most contributions to NHL revenue.  We have unprecedented leverage and it’s time we used it.”

Mayor Ford was unavailable for comment, but his brother and fellow councillor Doug Ford did provide a brief statement to reporters.

“I’ll tell you this, guys, you had a bunch of fun the past few months with all these ‘fun’ stories the past couple of months, but I think it’s time that all of Toronto get behind a cause that we can rally behind.”

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